You lie in the darkness watching the patterns dance across the inside of your eyelids. You stick rigidly to your side of the huge bed, despite the fact that no-one occupies the other side, and no one is coming. You aren’t sleepy, but with no one to talk to, there is little point in staying awake.
And so you lie in the darkness, watching the patterns dance across your eyelids. Your thoughts wandering to all the things you know you should have said, last time you spoke to them. The realisation that you screwed up is heavy and it feels as though it’s planted itself at the very back of your head, making it near impossible to lift your head from the pillow.
Did you lead them on without intention? Did you upset them more than you intended to? Or did you lie to them, in a bid to make yourself believe the lie? Either way, you can’t take it back. It’s done now, and you must live with the consequences.
Every so often, you stretch your arm into the vacant side of the bed. Still feeling nothing but empty space, or perhaps a snoring dog. Either way, it does nothing to dispel the feeling of emptiness that permeates the room.
The isolation your mistakes have created for you is almost dangerous with its crushing weight. A voice in your head tells you that you must fight on, carry on and push through these hard times and into the future. You recognise it as the voice that can often be found telling you that you’ll never survive. The one that whispers in the night that you should run and hide. Start over when everyone has forgotten you.
You decide to ignore that voice, self doubting and anti productive as it is. You have realised – as the last of the colours leave the space on the back of your eyelids – that you must tackle your problems alone, and as the darkness envelopes you, it brings with it no comfort.